AGE TWO

This is what hapens to your keyboard when you alow your todler to play at your desk. Stuf gets spiled in your keys and sudenly no key wil push down more than once and you can't use your backspace buton to erase.

Other than that, it's a suny lovely day. And I have the image of my swet destroyer-picking forget-me-nots and runing them to me in the sunshine. Life is god. (not as in diety but as in realy awesome ).

SHOT THROUGH THE HEART

I took Nor in for what I suspected was an ear infection yesterday. I was wrong.

But guess what? While you're here why don't you catch up on all her vaccinations? You know you're behind right? (insert snide, condescending voice of annoyingly skinny pediatrician here)

I tried to explain that I had discussed it with my regular ped; that I had done research; that I had a plan and wasn't an ignoramus...but in the end I felt like an idiot and had them done. I was planning on doing them--I just wasn't prepared for them that day. You see, I need more preparation than Nor does. She just needs a few Dora stickers and a sucker and she's good to go. Me, I need a valium, or shot...of tequila or something. NONE of which I'm allowed to have. So I went cold turkey and let the nurse go for it.

It broke my heart. And last night when she was crying and saying her "pokey's hurt" it broke again. But today she is fine. She's munching on cereal and watching Dora and all is well. We have both mended.

I can't stop thinking about my niece. She's due to be born some time at the end of June. She does not have a name yet, but she is already causing quite a stir. You see, her heart is broken too. But there may not be a way to mend it.

I can't wait to meet her and yet she is so safe where she is I'd be fine if she stayed there indefinitley. My brother and my Jenny are handling themselves so beautifully it hurts to watch. I feel like a total idiot around them (saying all the wrong things, having too many oppinions, being a dummy most of the time) --but mostly it's because my grief and loss over this little girl is staggering. I look at her brother and I try to imagine her little face. I pray every second for a miracle. And I trust that she is created in the image of God and for His purposes. But my heart is still breaking.

I have never been good at dealing with grief. I think I've mentioned that before. I want to do it right this time. But I can't even handle watching Nor get shots. Let alone what lays ahead for this baby girl.

I need you God. I need your strength. I need your wisdom. I need anything you can send my way.

17 and COUNTING

I had an ultrasound today. I even got a picture of baby Skeletor. Everything looks great. In fact, it was so real looking it blew my mind. I might actually have a baby at the end of this all. Thanks to you all for your support and love and for letting me BE. The last few weeks have been rough for many reasons, but it's amazing to have such dear friends to share it with.

Tonight we had a Good Friday service at church. I have not prepared for Easter in any spiritual, lenten, holy sort of way. At all. There WAS a trip to Costco and some plastic grass and candy was purchased this week--but I have not even thought about the death of Christ in any significant way this season. Even stranger--I was not moved in any way during the service tonight. I feel totally removed from the persecution and sacrifice of Christ. I am entrenched in my own world and the suffering I see around me. Sad. And tomorrow we have soccer, Easter preparations (the running around kind), cleaning the house and cooking. I should go now and read my Bible and try to engage in some way--but what I want to do is finish watching Capote. Hrghmph!

When did my soul shrivel up and die? When did I stop weaping at the thought of the cross? When did Easter become so little to me? What the hell is wrong with me?

FEAR

I stopped puking five days ago. Five terrifying days ago. Why so scary? Because I fear this is the beginning of the end. Even worse, I had a fairly optimistic midwife appointment yesterday. Which feels more dooming than encouraging.

I am almost 16 weeks pregnant after 6 years of infertility and several miscarriages (only one of noteworthy length). When I lost my first baby, I was 17 weeks and had finally stopped puking.

Get the connection?

I have such mixed feelings about this process. I want to protect my kids, my joe, my friends (who are my family) and yet I am dying inside everyday. I have been the picture of upbeat and smiley. And yet--every kind word, every congratulations, every blind-faith-of-course-God-will-let-THIS-baby-live sentiment is slowly killing me. Why do I have to be the one to remind people not to get too excited-- that there are no fucking guarantees in life?

I know that people think that God owes it to me. That he did a miracle and of course it will all work out. That somehow because we have adopted kids we are being rewarded with a bio kid.* I think that's crap. I know God's involved, but he could just as easily be seeing how much I can take. . . How much I will trust Him. . . How will I handle suffering this time around. It's all for his glory. Whether I have a baby or not at the end.

And that scares the shit out of me.

Please being praying for me and this baby. Please don't expect me to be happy OR morbidly apprehensive the next time we meet. Just allow me to be whatever I am. I need to be able to BE without worrying about how you will react.


* By the way--this line of thinking and comments leads me to believe that some people view a bio child as superior to an adopted child. BUT I DON'T FEEL THAT WAY. My kids are a blessing and the joy of my life.